Sometimes when you think you`ve changed, the past comes back to haunt you. It`s one thing if you forgive yourself for the bad things you did before, but it`s hard to forget if others themselves don`t seem to let go and forgive you as well.

My cousin and I chatted and joked around about how disgusting and conniving I was as a kid; stealing money, telling lies, whining, torturing family members, bad things like that. Sneaky little shithead I was. I`d beg certain relatives to give me this or that, or take me out to places. At that time, my mom was one unreasonably strict bitch and wouldn`t allow me to associate too often with my other relatives, so whatever stuff I did with them, they would ask me to keep it a secret. Nodding and smiling, I`d be like ``Ok sure! I swear I won`t tell mama!`` and I did anyway later on. I -knew- the consequence that`d result. And what resulted was my mother getting angry and scolding my kind relatives. That`s just one example. I`d be here all night long if I write down all the despicable things I did to turn family against family. A lot of disputes occured over me. I was the cause of much unhappiness for people.

*Slaps herself across the face*

I deserved that. Maybe more.

And I don`t how many self-inflicted slaps, bruises and cuts it`d take to kill the guilt and make me innocent again. I thought I came a long way to be a `good` (or at least trying hard to) person. Have I thought wrong? I wish the family members (and a few others) whom I care about and afflicted would gather together and beat the fuck out of me. Once. One huge punishment. Let it be their only chance to release all their anger and disappointment toward me. They can beat me black and blue, and hopefully I wouldn`t die and I`d be able to recover from whatever deserved injuries.

But, things don`t work that way, now do they (though plenty of fucked-up shit happen in this world)? I know that`s a pretty bad proposal for problem-solving. Whatever. It was just an idea. I rather be too hard on myself, instead of too easy and have others make me feel ashamed about it later on. Nonetheless, there`s really not much I can do....except...simply...apologize to them all, face to face.

`Cause damnit, in the end, I want them to see that I really have come a long way and that I`m a not a fucking lazy disgusting retarded loser.

I said before, `` My cousin and I chatted and joked around...`` What we talked about bugs me now, but it didn`t then. I can guess, but I don`t what my cousin thinks of me. He jokingly said a while ago, `` `Bad` thing about my daughter is that she`s smarter, co-operative and ain`t ugly like you. `` And we laughed. But my laughter came out weak. He knew that I don`t ever frown at comments like that, so that`s probably why he said it. Still, it got to me. He hit upon my insecurities.

Then again, *scoffs herself*, I asked for it. I told him before, with a loud chuckle, that I`m a dumb and ooglay jane, as a way of letting him know that I`m aware I don`t make my family proud.

Not that all of them are totally ashamed of me either. I just highly doubt any of them are proud of me for the person I am.

Yeah, I`m sad. But I`m glad they still care, despite their discouragingly truthful views of me.

Dear cousin took me to Disneyland today, *smiles a down-cast smile*....and here I was, seemingly ungrateful and talking about a depressing topic ...

*Sighs*

You joke. I laugh. You laugh. I laugh harder. A trickle of tear falls.

Ugh. Sleep it off. Sleep it off. Sleep it off. As usual.

Damn sunburn.

Previous - Next